A Tourist's Guide to Driving in Kansas City

When driving in Kansas City, it's important to know there are three main groups -
1. - Missouri-side
2. - Johnson County
3. - Wyandotte


1. The "Missouri side" as it's known, is the largest part of the metro area.  The skyscrapers and urban living all happen here.  When driving in that area it's important to know that we are crazy. We all have somewhere to be and we all needed to be there 5 minutes ago.  We WILL get where we need to go, with or without your help. Turn signals here, while merging or changing lanes, is not a request but more of a 3-blink warning.   If you hold us up in traffic we will honk our horns, flip you off, and quite possibly cuss you out at the nearest red light.  In some extreme cases, Missouri-side drivers have been known to roll down their window and verbally offend you from the next lane while in transit.  This is usually a group event.  All passengers (front seat and back) typically take part.  Also, you may be shot.

2. Johnson County is a very upscale suburban area of the metro located in... you guessed it... Johnson County.  When driving in Johnson County, it's important to know these people believe the road belongs to them... their side and yours.  Traffic lights mean nothing to these people and "pedestrian" tends to imply a display of poverty level as opposed to mode of transit.  The traditional sense of "pedestrian" is a foreign concept to them and if you are on a sidewalk you could be killed.  Making a left turn from a parking lot onto a street is like seeing a sasquatch riding a unicorn.  It's possible in THEORY but no one has any proof it exists.  Speed limit signs are more of a 'roadside decor' than a recommendation of speed.  You can expect 45-50mph from them, regardless of posted signs, and 70-75 on the highway. Turn signals here are a luxury and are used sparingly and only on special occasions.   9 out of 10 people in Johnson County will be driving while on their cell phone... the other 1 out of 10 will be texting.


3. Wyandotte is another county in the Kansas City metro area.  These people also believe the road belongs to them, and believe it's their civic duty to travel 15mph under the speed limit AT MINIMUM.  You and a Wyandotte driver could be the only 2 cars on the planet, and they will never never never move out of the fast lane.  If they are NOT in the fast lane, should you move into the fast lane to pass them, they will do something that's relatively unheard of for that area... they will press the accelerator.  Be you not mistaken, this is not a courtesy.  Wyandotte drivers refuse to be passed, and will drive at breakneck speeds to ensure you are not successful.  Once you have admitted defeat and moved back into the lane behind them, within five miles they will resume their original speed of 45 in a 60.  This "Wyandotte Waltz" will continue until one of you finally reaches your destination.  To see a turn signal here is to be shown an unfathomable act of kindness and generosity.

Well there we have it... the guide to driving in KC.  Good luck to all, and keep those middle fingers flyin!